As we read scriptures last night you asked to cuddle on the couch. Not all that unusual since it was late and you had taken your medicine. But what I wasn't expecting was for you to lay down on my chest. This is a position you haven't wanted to cuddle in for well about a year. I'm pretty okay with that because you are so tall it is a little awkward to have you lay on top of me. What was even more unexpected was that within two minutes of you laying on my chest you had fallen asleep. A deeper, calmer, and easier breathing sleep than I had heard out of you in nearly two months.
Once Daddy was done reading he turned off all the lights and let us just stay on the couch to rest. As I sat there in the dark I thought about all the nights we had spent in that position when you were younger. How for the first year of your life it was one of the few ways you would sleep. I thought about the fact that sleeping on an incline with you on top of me cause all sorts of problems with my back but it was worth it to let you get some solid sleep. Because I knew there was no way you would grow to your full potential if you didn't sleep.
In the quiet moments where I was trying to fall a sleep myself I would just listen to you breathe. Such clear, deep breaths, such a rarity theses days, especially while you sleep. Then it hit me, I had been wrong.
Wrong to force you to try to sleep laying flat. Wrong to not cuddle you all those times you begged for it and I just gave you a bottle so I could go back to sleep. Wrong to not realize that your hourly wake ups were accompanied by gasping for air. Wrong to put my desires before your needs. I'm so very sorry that I made those choices. I resolved to do what you needed for sleep. I didn't expect it to be easy or even comfortable for me, but I was going to do it. I knew it may still take a while to find what worked best but I knew it would be worth it.
So there I sat in the dark starting to fall asleep with you on my chest. You woke about 2 hours later and I moved you to the bedroom. I stacked up pillow nice and high so your head would be elevated to help with your airway. And sure enough as you fell back asleep with those deep, even, calm, and clear breaths you had on the couch. Then I left you to go do a project. I came back 2 hours later when you woke again. This time I laid down for the night too. Snuggled right up next to you so that you would always have contact and know I was there.
The rest of the night continued with waking every 2 hours or so and me calming you back to sleep. I couldn't believe you were sleeping for 2 hours at a time. What progress! In the morning I did wake up extremely stiff and not wanting to move but you were happy and calm. Waking up wasn't stressful because you had slept. Which meant that you would be happier the rest of the day.
Here we are, I'm still stretching out the kinks in my back and you have been calm, happy, and using your words all morning. Fantastic! Not bad for a first night. We will get there my love, I won't give up, and I know you won't either.
Love,
Mommy
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